The Ninja Files: Mission Kill Phil


Mission: Kill Phil

by Emily Wetterich


Target 001, aka Phil, is approximately two meters south of my position. He’s distracted by what appear to be a variety of drinkable yogurts. A light breeze blows eastward from the refrigerated section.

Perfect conditions.

Heart racing, I feign interest in the shelf of onigiri before me. Phil is a stranger to me. His actions unpredictable. I clasp the handle of the unconventional weapon tucked away in my purse. But, my hesitation has cost me. Phil is now surrounded by reinforcements. One or two supposed friends flank him. I suspect they’re on to me, but I won’t fail my mission. I will spoon Phil.

I move in.

With a soft “excuse me” I slip past his reinforcements and swiftly remove the utensil from my bag plunging it gently between his shoulder blades. He looks at me, realization dawning in his eyes as I show him the tiny stirring device I found at a McDonalds. I utter a final “sorry” for taking the life of one so young. He responds with something akin to “nice one.”

It is done.

Target Eliminated


If you’d like to sign up for Ninja Assassin this year, please email Ellie Murphy at by the 29th of August. Also, if you were an assassin last year and would like to tell your story, please email it to Ellie as well!