Is Long Distance the Wrong Distance?


Is Long Distance the Wrong Distance?

by Vaughn J Meldrum

I sort of did things in a strange order; met a guy, dated, married, and then a month later moved to Japan by myself.  While you may be wondering to yourself how the divorce proceedings are affecting my personal life, I can proudly say that this is not the case. If anything, it has made our relationship even stronger! So as an expert, the following is a list of tips and tricks to keep your long distance relationship going strong.*

1. Figure Out How Time Zones Work

Seems like a no-brainer, but I still pull out a calculator in order to figure out Skype Dates.

2. Skype Dates

We live in an age of such technological convenience that it is staggering – I mean, you are probably reading this on the toilet right now for goodness sake.  Schedule these dates regularly and often, it is almost as good as the real thing.


Locate and utilize all romantic and relationship oriented LINE stickers. I recommend James due to his aggressive narcissism, but Cony and Brown Bear have a lot to offer as well.

4. Send Letters by Mail

Everyone likes to get letters in the mail, especially ones from Daiso. Their selection of pop up cards is impressive. Men can be so child-like that they find them very appealing, and every adult woman likes to receive things adorned with Hello Kitty.

5. Sharing is Caring part I

Keep your partner feeling like part of your life by sharing all of your daily activities. Some of them may feel like an over-share, but doing this guarantees that they will always be thinking of you. Topics include: what you ate for breakfast, how long it took to get to school, how you got to school, what you ate for lunch and whether or not it was a bread or a rice day, what you ate for dinner, and how many bottles of wine you drank by yourself. I broke my record of two in one sitting last week.

6. Sharing Is Caring part II

Require that they do the same for you.

7. Keep Things Hot

As Millenials, the vast majority of us are familiar with sending nudes, sex-ts, or performing various actions during Facetime sessions. Just be sure to delete as you go as to avoid any awkward slip-ups that could occur while you give a Powerpoint to a group of Junior High students on comparatives and superlatives. That would be the worst.

8. Homeland Security

Your relationship is the Homeland and you are justified in using whatever means necessary to ensure its Security. Hack into email accounts, stalk them on Facebook, have a close friend follow them on the weekend. It is your obligation to perform these actions for the greater good of the relationship.

9. Fake it

If all else fails and you feel yourself slipping into an abyss of relationship worry and insecurity, print out a picture of their face, tape it to a body pillow, grab a few bottles of wine, dim the lights, and let your imagination carry you away.

I hope that these tips will help you keep things going strong between the both of you.  I know first-hand the stress that comes along with maintaining a long distance relationship, but with a bit of work, and some creativity, you can make the best of this situation. If all else fails, you have one final option:

10. Good Riddance

Embrace your new life in Japan as a single person while the life you left behind falls apart.

* I am legally required to inform the reader of this article that I am in no way an expert or professional Relationship Therapist.